March 05th, 2017

“In one of my dreams I’m drivin through the Martian countryside,  just after survivin a harrowing attack of a tribe of Heathers -- unlike mermaids the creatures’ upper halves are female and their lower halves are female too -- when me and Larry pass some oopamakoopas.  These things are like a combination of NFL nose tackles and the Real Wives of Beverly Hills.  Larry asks me what the giant creatures are and I say: They’re oopamakoopas.  They eat rocks and poop out fertilizer.  Larry says: ‘That’s great.  Why don’t we take them to earth, they seem very efficient.’  I answer: Because of gravity.  I don’t understand how Larry doesn’t know this, uh, but I don’t want to embarrass him.  I arch my left eyebrow like Jack Nicholson in The Shining -- crack a welcoming smile. However, I continue in a pedantic monotone since me and Larry are old friends: On earth the oopamakoopas eat rocks okay but because of the denser gravity differential they can only poop out statues of industrial metal drums and we have all of that kind of art that we need on earth.” 



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