"Carlton Shimmer was out in the wilderness -- Long Island maybe. He got mad at a three-thousand-year-old redwood tree (apparently the tree whistled at him on a very windy day). Anyway, Shimmer beat the tree up but it fell on him or more exactly the giant tree fell on his leg. This proved slightly problematic for the Mawtch-Ho man but not for long!
"Luckily, Shimmer had a pair of nail clippers. So, he cut his leg off. But, before he accomplished this Homeric feat, he did this: he braided a sturdy rope out of nose hairs, bark, pine needles, and some fishing line he had in his pocket so as to make a tourniquet. He then snipped off his leg -- did his toenails on his good leg and the fingernails on each hand first -- and then tied off his stump like a Knockwurst (this alerted him to the fact that he hadn’t eaten for seven days).
"Once free to move around, Shimmer, the sage and wise Mawtch-Ho survivalist took advantage of nature’s ready abundance:
"He dug his severed leg out from under the tree with a shovel he made from a rock, a stick, some chewing gum, and a real shovel that he found in a nearby tire dump. It was spring, so there was still some ice in Hardezz Creek (also named by the Great Viking Johansson). Shimmer packed his bad leg in brook ice and stored it away in a back pack he made out of seventeen squirrels he captured, using an ultrasonic knockout device that he just happened to have with him, and then skinned the critters, using a defoliant made out of moss and a can of paint thinner he found in the brook. He removed the squirrels’ fur but left them alive. Shimmer figured that it was spring and it was warming up nicely -- the rodents would have enough time to grow back all of their hair by the coming winter -- which I’ll admit was a thoughtful touch. Shimmer stitched the hides together using Boston Ferns, a Robin’s nest, and some wire he also found at the tire dump.
"He then hopped twenty miles to town on his good leg. He beat a passing freight train to the town line, actually outran it on one leg, though it was close. The train was only going 60 mph." - excerpt from I Guess I'm Not A Mawtch-Ho Man by Kevin O'Kendley
toon posted earlier...
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