“President Trump used to tease former Vice President Biden by wearin those spiral X-ray glasses you can buy from Marvel Comics, uh, claiming he could see right through clothes and bathroom doors? It was terrible: it wasn’t just the Biden family that was traumatized but, um, whole neighborhoods, towns, cities. As this peeping plague went viral, many people, having felt that they’d lost their privacy, stopped havin sex, so no babies were born. Schools went out of business, so did Toys R Us. Planned Parenthood debates died down for a while. Gerber’s Baby Food switched to making light beer and reduced calorie salsa for the over-fifty crowd just to survive the shocking bambino drought. Of course, once the scientific properties of x-ray glasses were exposed -- there were none -- life returned to normal.”
edited 4/29 (fiction)
The Blacklist :
Otto found himself on a super-secret international blacklist of toilet paper buyers/users for undisclosed secret reasons that may have been about his penchant for wearing a London Fog raincoat and Stetson fedora in Midwest sporting supply outlets specializing in croquet equipment and related acrobatics, or because he was an independent. After he found himself being followed around by nondescript men also wearing raincoats and fedoras he started wearing Bermuda shorts. That’s when this happened: no matter where he attempted to buy a roll of toilet paper the vendor was either out of stock or didn’t know what it was.
After a couple of weeks without toilet paper Otto started to drag his, uh, you know what. After months of dragging his "you know what" and he still couldn’t break the bathroom tissue blacklist -- not in Rio, Bonn, Toledo, Darwin, Mumbai, or Bangor -- he grew desperate. Obviously, given the situation, he had to adapt (and quickly).
So, he tried newspapers: the New York Times, the Klondike Sun, the Fresno Bee.
This, of course, is where things got interesting:
While newspapers aren’t as form-fitting-cuddly as Charmin, Otto did notice that they had printed words on them. This discovery led to another discovery, and another; in fact, there were stories, headlines, columns, cartoons, exposes, all kinds of information, and other cool stuff in the freakin newspapers.
So, Otto started reading the papers before he used them.
No matter what armchair philosophers say: that which doesn’t kill you doesn’t necessarily make you stronger -- it can make you crazy, catatonic, or married -- but as an avid newspaper reader Jack became more erudite, wiser -- learned -- and a better haggler when buying fish (wrapped in newspaper) than he had ever been before.
Despite this, the recent Supreme Court ruling that struck down a “person’s legitimate right to fair and equitable access to purchase toilet paper from any vendor or source that sells or provides toilet paper to anyone, unless the seller doesn’t freaking feel like it for any arbitrary reason of prejudice, hatred, or speculative slander,” was a real bummer. I mean, hell, once you’re on The Toilet Paper Blacklist you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye. -end-
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